Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Cause I'm A Ninja!

awsome ninja facts!!

konitchiwa....

Ninja Facts:

Ninja don't sweat.

Bullets can't kill a ninja.

Ninja invented skateboarding

Only a ninja can kill a ninja. Regular humans are useless.

Ninja never wear headbands with the word "ninja" printed on them.

Ninja can breath underwater anytime they want.

Ninja can change clothes in less than 1 second.

Ninja don't smoke, but they do use smoke bombs.

Ninja always land on their feet. If they don't have feet they will land on their nubs.

Ninja invented the internet.

Ninja don't eat or drink very much, and they never have to go to the bathroom.

Ninja always move to America when making a new start as a non-assassin.

Ninja don't play sports. Unless killing is a sport.

Ninja can crush golfballs with 2 fingers, any two fingers.

Ninja have a bad temper when they lose at anything. They will usually cut off the winners head
before they have time to gloat.

Ninja lie all the time. Even when the truth serves better, ninja will lie anyway.

Ninja swords are always straight with a square handle guard. Always. Curves are for girls.

Ninja Wisdom:


Ninja should never enter the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

Never scream just before attacking another ninja from behind. This will only alarm the ninja that you are about to do something funky.

Always wear a mask. You never know when you will see someone that you don't want to see you. TIP: (read this over and over till it makes sense)

Always carry a spare ninja uniform. You never know when you will need to change into something less dirty in mid-battle.

Never store shuriken in your underwear. T

ry to use the swords of your enemies whenever possible. This way you can throw them into other bad ninja without having to worry about retrieving it later.

When trying to stop a run-away golf cart its best to pick up the back end (with hand if possible) so the wheels just spin in the air while the occupants start to get scared.

When fighting on the golf course, crushed golf balls make a good blinding powder. Just grip the golfball firmly between thumb and for-fingers, and then squeeze!

When necessary, the ninja star can be thrown with ninja toes. For example, say you are trying to gain entry into an airborne helicopter. You are using both hands to hold on and you want to plant a shuriken in the eyeball of the pilot, what do you do? Shuriken with ninja feet!

Instead of forging your own calthrops, you can simply use the kids toy "jacks". If you are a evil ninja, you can just steal them from a child, or even a lesser-ninja.

Simple way to tell what time it is without a clock is to call the local phone operator and ask them. Simple, but effective. Don't tell them your name.

When preparing for battle, take some time to do all the hand signs of kuji-in. You will feel better and look cool at the same time.

Always run sideways when possible. With proper application you can run through walls.

When jumping far distances, always roll up into a ball. It will give an extra 50 feet of jumping height.

Want to jump higher? Plant a corn stalk. As it grows each day jump over it. Gradually you will increase your jumping height as the corn grows.

Always use your ninja names when speaking to each other in battle. Don't let sneaky golfers listen in to your conversations and wreck your plans.

Try to fight in mid-air whenever possible.

Try to keep your weapons on display, even in storage. You never know when you will need them to look pretty for a pre-revenge scene.

Wearing black eyeliner is good for blending in with the environments. Especially good for public missions where photo ops may arise. Don't forget to wear your mask.


Ninja Etiquette:

Ninja never bring a gun to a sword fight. Ninja don't use guns. Ever.

The only way to end a ninja clan is to break the head ninja's sword.
Ninja never show their real face. If the need to show a face arises, it should be a very shiny mask. This is the only possible substitute.

Bullets can't kill a ninja. Even 1 million bullets can not kill a ninja.

When attacking a single ninja with a clan of ninja (more than 4, less than that is only a posse), it is proper ninja etiquette to fight with only one ninja at a time. This makes for a much nicer fight to the death. NOTE: if you are planning to fight the mack daddy ninja, be sure to bring lots of lesser ninja to warm him up for your grand entrance.

When fighting with bow and arrows, a proper ninja will always destroy his bow if one of his arrows is cought in mid-air, and then broken over one knee of another ninja.

Ninja stars and sake are a perfectly good currency for ninja payments.

Ninja always use 4 pointed ninja stars. The fancy stars with more than for points are for the lesser ninja.

Ninja can only use their special dissapearing powers in combination with a smoke bomb. This is not negociable.

When training with other ninja, it is proper to group off into different colors. Stay with your color at all times! Failure to keep with your color results in a circle kicking, where you are in the center of the circle.

Ninja always wear tabi boots. Even when they sleep.

When confronting other ninja, always try to wear a different color than that of the ninja you are attacking. It is proper ninja-ettiquette to give "home" color to the defending ninja.

Ninja don't sleep. I know I said they do above, but I lied.

It's expected that ninja will lie from time to time.

When encountering large falls and leaps it is appropriate to always give the right-of-way to the first ninja to jump.

With that said it is equally appropriate to give the needed time and space for the following ninja to jump and catch up.

Ninja never wear headbands with the word 'ninja' printed on them. This would be a dead give away when trying to blend in. NOTE: Sometimes as a joke the elder ninja make the geek of the clan wear such a headband. Sort of like a "dunce" cap.



and thats all the ninja-y goodness i have for you today.

Rock on my fellow ninjas!

18 Comments:

At 8:54 PM, October 18, 2005, Blogger Beefloaf said...

I cant stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 11:09 PM, October 18, 2005, Blogger chef ninja pirate with a wisk said...

ok so you didnt use any ninjas it was all ninja. and yes its all true.

 
At 12:16 PM, October 19, 2005, Blogger jolygood said...

And golfers are evill!

 
At 2:12 PM, October 19, 2005, Anonymous A Pirate said...

Ninjas must die

 
At 2:12 PM, October 19, 2005, Blogger Sniper Monkey said...

I like pirates

 
At 5:06 PM, October 19, 2005, Anonymous nate said...

Yeah right Jason! We all know Al Gore really invented the Internet

 
At 6:58 PM, October 19, 2005, Blogger James C. Almond said...

Do ninjas ever get girlfriends?

 
At 6:08 AM, October 20, 2005, Blogger Donut_Munky0 said...

heck yes!

 
At 6:48 AM, October 20, 2005, Blogger The Fool said...

totally. like west side story is really about ninja. Yup, totally. I know, hard to believe.

 
At 4:42 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous a ninja said...

we steal the samurai's girlfriends.

 
At 5:23 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous The other ninja said...

heck yes!!

 
At 6:29 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous al gore lover said...

O come on James, Al Gore is a ninja
I think

 
At 8:40 AM, October 21, 2005, Blogger The Fool said...

then how come George W. es el presidente?

 
At 11:04 AM, October 21, 2005, Blogger The Fool said...

hey, do you all fight lots of samurai? Do you have a lot of them out there in Warshington? I met a lady from seatle in walmart today. She said she moved here to escape the evil boy scout ninja troup. Something about too much smoke and not enough cookies.

 
At 1:43 PM, October 21, 2005, Blogger Rachel said...

I love it Jason! Every once in a while some little part will pop into my head and I will start laughing all over again!

 
At 1:57 PM, October 21, 2005, Blogger Donut_Munky0 said...

yhats because ninjas track you through your laughter....

 
At 8:54 PM, October 21, 2005, Blogger The Fool said...

that's why ninja never laugh, but are very funny. unlike me. :D

 
At 11:52 AM, October 25, 2005, Blogger James C. Almond said...

My Dad is a Ninja. When we go out to coffee, I order a Chi Tea, but he orders a Ti Chea (as he calls it). Any one who drinks Ti Chea has got to be a Ninja. It is even more funny when he goes for a Blended Ti Chea.

Smile :)

 

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